Man Found Alive in Cave After Five Years

• Okanogan-Wenatchee National Forest, Washington

Washington Area Man Jakob Pressley was found alive and well after reportedly missing for five years. He survived in a forest cave, sustaining himself with stream water and cave fish, occasionally heading out to harvest and nuts and berries when the weather permitted.

Mr. Pressley said he was sorry to have missed first woman-president Hilary Clinton’s initial term in office, later asking if Jeb Bush ran against her a second time in 2020. He was confused when authorities told him that Clinton had lost the election to Donald Trump. “The game show host?” Pressley asked.

He expressed deep gratitude to those who rescued him. Pressley knew someone was bound to find him soon because, as he said, “2020 was my lucky year — so I knew good things were bound to happen, not just to me but the entire world!”

When told that 2020 would go into the history books as one of, if not the absolute worst year ever, Pressley shrugged and said, “I guess some people can’t find the silver lining. It’s not like 9/11 or anything.” Authorities clarified that, in fact, it was much worse than 9/11.

Trying to change the subject, reporters asked what he planned to do after finally returning home. Pressley said he wanted to “throw a huge party with all my friends and family — especially the older ones — and hug them all so tightly, like, forever. Can’t wait to kiss my grandmother right on the lips! Then maybe I’ll take an extended cruise and, basically, just camp out at the buffet table.”

Authorities again spoke with Pressley, this time to explain that cruise lines were mostly shuttered. They defined the concept of “social distancing” and how the global pandemic forced everyone to stay six feet apart, and the elderly especially had been dying at alarming rates.

Pressley seemed disturbed when trying to digest that information. He demurred and brought up plans for a US-based trip to celebrate his rescue. Officials nodded in agreement until Pressley said he hoped to visit to the US Capitol Building and “maybe have some fun, you know, sneak into some of the private offices for candid snapshots.” When told about the incursion on the Capitol, he appeared in total dismay.

Trying to buoy his own spirits, he added that he wanted to use his fifteen minutes of fame to meet one of his most admired celebrities. When asked who, he said with a beaming smile, “Why, America’s Mayor! Rudy Giuliani.”

Pressley went on to share that he worked up a comedy routine over the years to keep himself entertained, and he wanted to try to get on the air. The performance shtick centered on a middle manager who constantly would zing younger female coworkers with racy one-liners. The manager’s punchline, Pressley revealed with a grin, was, “You’re tired? Me Too!” He was hoping to sell it to a well known, famous comedian, “like a Bill Cosby, you know, ‘America’s Dad’ type. Who knows,” he continued, “maybe I can even land a spot on the Charlie Rose Show.”

Further discussion was necessary to explain that Cosby was in prison, and Rose was forced to retire due to a real-life #MeToo movement exposing them both as sexual predators, and furthermore, racy humor was widely and deeply discouraged as the cultural tide of change slowly washed across the US. As for Giuliani, when authorities tried to recount his current state of existence, and the at times explosive counter cultural backlash to the forces of racial equality and immigrant justice, reporters noted that Pressley slowly began to inch his way back into his cave, eventually even erecting a barricade across the entrance, sealing himself within. Rescuers were forced to leave him after he could be heard within, sobbing in the darkness, “Come back for me when Harris fixes it.”