Go For a Run, They Said. It’s Fun!

Those People Are Liars

I missed a couple workouts at the gym this week (pulled a muscle helping some nuns across the street or something like that). I was getting antsy so I decided to go for a run. Besides, people are telling me all the time, “Go for a run. It’s fun!”

I started running and instantly regretting it. I hit the pavement with a stride like I was constantly falling forward and just catching myself at the last possible moment. I made my first turn at the corner and thought I was aspirating blood. Every exhale was a wave of spittle and dry heaving. My breathing sounded like a humpback whale going under for the last time.

But then I started to get some momentum. This is fun! I thought to myself. An old lady smiled at me. It was probably one of those slow-motion-old-lady smiles, but we were matching speed so it came to me in real-time. A toddler passed me. I said a ... nevermind.

I pulled over to give my belly a rest from jiggling. Do they sell like a giant single cup sports bra for men? I was wheezing, about to chuck up a rib when an ice cream truck rolled over, playing one of those jingles with its delicious bells. “I’ll have a chocolate banana.” I was hallucinating. It was an ambulance. A guy in scrubs jumped out at me with paddles yelling, “CLEAR!”

“Where’s the banana?” was all I could manage.

Someone must have dialed 911 after seeing me run like my house was on fire and I had been shot in the back with a handful of acid covered arrows while trying advanced yoga moves.

My watch’s health app loudly announced, “One tenth of a mile completed! You’re halfway to your goal!” QUIET! How do you shut this thing off?

Wait is my health app throwing shade at me? A nearby construction worker within earshot who is smoking his morning cigarette started to laugh out loud. The old lady looked back and shook her head.

I wanted to yell something about not smoking because it stunts your growth but as I turned my head back I almost ran straight into a telephone pole. Luckily, just then I tripped over a small white dog and that spun me in another direction entirely.

I made the second turn and had to stop to walk for safety’s sake. There was a bunch of debris on the sidewalk from that construction. I think it was a Wrigley’s gum wrapper. Better safe than sorry!

My heart was beating out of the side of my head. Am I dead?

I picked up my knees and pushed forward. Because I am a warrior, is why. Made from the same mettle that men of Sparta were cast in (plus or minus).

Coming up on the home stretch! Insanity Beast Mode. My health app is ticking off the distance. I’m feeling good, my arms spinning at my sides like the feet of one of those kids’ Waddle The Duck push toys. Mouth wide open, not even trying to look hot and sexy. But I am.

It’s over. I hit the WORKOUT COMPLETE button on my phone and the app shines with exploding stars and I swear a unicorn flew across the screen. A banner pops up that says, “Congratulations! Your Fastest Two-Tenths-of-a-Mile Pace Yet!” God bless my health app.

I’m hot and I’m sweaty and as soon as my breathing returns to normal, I jump inside and crack open a beer and start whipping together a fresh batch of sriracha mayonnaise. Good Lord I deserve it.